24 hours and counting

I woke up yesterday and decided to wear a nicotine patch. Yesterday wasn't too bad. I'll admit to lighting a cigarette last night and taking a couple of puffs. I don't know why. I wasn't craving it. Then this morning I lit one while my car warmed up. I don't know why. I wasn't craving it.

On the way into work today it was spitting snow. I had my hood on and head down. So explain how a snow flake was sucked up my nose. Poor snow flake.

I know what I wanted to ask you non-smokers. I understand that the world smells pretty bad. I've been told that the subways in NYC smell like piss. I didn't smell it when I was there. I understand that sewers stink. I know that they steam, but I don't smell them. I am very sensitive to smells but when I smoke I don't smell anything but the worse smells. If I'm successful in not smoking how will I live in the world. I know that people at autopsies put Vicks under their noses. I like Vicks but what kind of idiot walks around with Vicks under their nose all the time. I fear that I will smoke as a defense against the smelling world.

I sat with my son at Urgent Care last night. He has an inter-ear infection. He smelled like oil. I told him. Will I be telling people that they stink? Probably. Another anti-social behavior for me to control.

I was trying to remember how many of you smoke. I know that Bravey does, Nutz does, Glowie is trying not to. I can't remember if Momma does. Or Woe. Or Boo. I'm pretty sure that Weltek, HD, Monsty, Coco, Bob don't. What about the rest of you? Puffy, Geggie, MTW, Arkie, Catt, Syren, CSTL, Jimbo (I think he's a no). Kimmah is around again. What about you?

Do we represent the norm?

The embarasment of it all

The biopsy of my left breast is scheduled for next Thursday.

The instruction sheet came today and described it this way:

During the biopsy you will be lying on your stomach with your breast through an opening in the table. Your breast will be compressed as in a mammogram. You will be asked not to move during this time. Several x-rays of your breast will be taken to check proper positioning. A small area of your breast will be cleansed with an antiseptic solution. Your doctor will numb the biopsy area with Lidocaine. A small incision is then made in the breast. A needle is placed in your breast to remove tissue for the biopsy. A tiny stainless steel marker may be placed in the area where the biopsy was done.

Now, let's break this down. I will be lying on a table with a hole in it through which my breast will protrude. Get a picture folks.

Then they will press two hard surfaces on the breast. I'm assuming I'll now be 5 feet or so in the air.

I can not move.

Then (still not moving) I will be given lidocaine (like that stuff works) and punctured with a long probe.

Wow! I can't wait.

There will be no cell phones with cameras allowed in the room.

In the future, when walking down the street, no one will know the humiliation of this procedure BUT I WILL!

I know its for my health, but could they make it any more humiliating?

Men had to come up with these procedures. And I thought a vaginal ultrasound was bad.

I've been going thru one of my withdrawal moods. This one was particularly interesting in that I became paranoid with conspiracy theories. For instance, I was watching the travel channel and they were highlighting a place in Arkansas (I think) were people can search for diamonds. It's a large field that didn't look like it was near any mountains or hills. People go there and pick up dirt and sift through it. The travel commentator didn't find any. But there was this local who claims to have found hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of diamonds. I THINK HE WAS A PLANT PUT THERE TO INTICE US STUPID PEOPLE.

Then with all the evil out there I began to feel like I was the only one who didn't get it. I felt I was in denial and needed to get with the plan. Afterall, all these professed christians are stealing our money, killing our children and raping the environment. If this is god's plan then I need to get on board. I'm stupid to hang onto my morals when I'm the only one.

Has anyone been watching "Dirt" on FX. It stars Courtney Cox. Now that's alot of evil to wrap your mind around. I'm adicted to it like rubberneckers to a tragic car wreck. And I love Courtney Cox. She is my current girl crush (well after Bravey of course).

Actually I just think I need to ingest more alcohol! I was just at the grocery and walked down the wine aisle. I hate the taste but boxed wine may make me less paranoid!

Any spelling errors can be blamed on this stupid computer and it's inability to properly allow spell check to work (or the evil surrounding me!).

Walrus penis - bwahahaha

Sorry, Bob, I'm still crying with laughter.

Today I found out that I can make a major mess out of a pre-packaged salad. Said salad is a Fresh Express Salsa! Ensalada Supreme. It has Iceberg & Romaine, Chunky Salsa, Blue & Yellow Corn Tortilla Strips, Mexican 4-cheese blend and to top it off Sour Cream Salsa Dressing.
Yummy!/end Rachel Ray voice. It's on my hands, my desk calendar, and some in my hair.

My son showed me around MySpace last night. The friends he showed me are fully clothed in their pictures, but the girls are provoctive and the boys all look like axe murders.

I wore my short boots today (well, because my other brown shoes were too light to match my top). These shoes are much narrower than my usual athletic shoes so my toes are crunched. Hense, the piggy that had "none" is cutting the piggy that had "roast beef". The piggy that cried all the way home is close to slicing the "none" piggy. For a person who has everything in her desk you'd thunk I had a nail clipper - but Noooo.

I visited my Cardiologist yesterday. Gawd, he is Dr. McDreamy in person. He told me that my heart is in perfect shape, it's ejection fraction is normal. From what I can tell that means it's pumping blood well. We talked about my smoking and he guaranteed me two things: he can keep my heart pumping well into my 80's and that dying of lung disease is nasty. There is a new pill which has had good results helping to quit. I think I'll try it, soon.

Today I had my ultrasound as a follow-up to my mamogram. She couldn't find what the mammogram and catscan did. I told her that was because my breast are so full. They are suggesting a biopsy and I see that doctor the 22nd. My body is just a maze of surgery scars.

The thread about sex and teens brought up a curiousity - the first time:

for girls - was it so absolutely painful as it was for me?

for boys - was it painful or just pure joy?

Zombie inspired letter

Dear Me:

Awashed in the hustle and bustle of life we forget our accomplishments and only focus on our failures.

Please remember these small accomplishments made during this journey:

* You have overcome extreme shyness to: organize a class (of 300) reunion; given a presentation to a hall full of people; fought for equality on many fronts.
* You have overcome self-centeredness to: foster a troubled child and give continued support; give birth to and nurture two wonderful sons; find a new life partner; open your home over and again, despite the warnings, to many neglected people; be a understanding, loving companion to several friends; explore your shortcomings and understand them; work hard for equality.
* You have overcome a rather lack-luster early education effort to: finish the necessary college courses in order to pass all the qualifying tests at your company; excelled all all the jobs held at your company; find wonder and excitement at further learning.
* You have overcome depression to: support your children when needed; support your friends; continue enjoying the wonders of the world.

Although you are still shy, self-centered, and relatively uneducated you have proven that when needed all things can be overcome.

I will try to remember that you are my best friend and take better care of you from now on.

Sincerely,

Me